their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
