My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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