I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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