I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
