so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
