I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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