And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
