Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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