Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
