I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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