I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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