im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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