literally had 100 drinks last night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
