accomplished twins. life is a go
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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