Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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