I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
