just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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