I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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