Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
