i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
