Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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