8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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