you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
