a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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