How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
