stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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