wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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