FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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