mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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