Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
