I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
