I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
