I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
