Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize