hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think i have two assholes
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
