I wish I only lived at night.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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