i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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