Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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