Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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