Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
