4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
