you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
pray to the hookup gods
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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