very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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