so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
