zippers are such a cool invention
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
