Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
