it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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