Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
