I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
