I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
