If that was your dad, he is hot
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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