And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
