Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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