I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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