So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its not stalking. its research.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize