Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
