my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
