I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
