the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
